Relationship Check-In Questions: What Aren’t You Telling Each Other?

What have you stopped asking your partner for?

A proper kiss. Help without reminders. Sex you don’t always initiate.

You might have stopped mentioning it. Does your partner know you still miss it?

Then get specific:

“I wish you’d initiate more.”

“Sex, affection, or making plans for us?”

That follow-up could change your plans for Friday.

Relationship check-in questions to ask each other

Pick a few questions that fit what’s happening between you right now. Take turns answering the same ones.

Sex: what would you like more, less, or differently?

Talking about what we want in bed matters because I’ve found that when we’re happier with our sex life, that positivity carries into how we feel and handle everyday life together.

4. How do you feel about how often we have sex lately?

   Follow up with: “What would you want to change about the experience, even if the frequency stayed the same?”

5. How would you like me to initiate sex, and what tends to put you off?
6. What would you like me to spend more time doing during sex?

   This could mean more oral sex, using a toy together, a slower build-up, or continuing something that feels good instead of changing position.

7. Is there anything we do during sex that you don’t enjoy as much as I think you do?
8. What would you like us to try, or bring back, that you haven’t asked for?

Asking felt awkward at first, but oh boy, our already-good sex life got better than I ever imagined once we started sharing what we really wanted, so go on, give yourselves that chance too!

For us, talking through ideas as a yes, no, or maybe made opening up easier. That’s why we created our Yes/No/Maybe List, to help you explore your desires together in a simple, playful way.

Explore the Yes/No/Maybe List ›

Practical support: what feels heavier than it should?

9. Which responsibility would you like me to take over completely, including remembering and planning it?
10. What do you need more room for in your own life, and what could we change to make that possible?
11. When you’re overwhelmed, what do I do that helps, and what adds to it?

After you’ve answered, choose one small thing you can do for each other this week.

That’s the idea behind Because Love Should Be an Action, which we created with doctor and psychotherapist Aldis Miglinieks. It combines conversation cards with activities to do together and individually, giving you ideas for putting your answers into practice.

Explore Because Love Should Be an Action ›

Appreciation: what felt good between us?

12. What did I do recently that meant more to you than I probably realized?
13. What have you put into our relationship lately that you wish I’d noticed?
14. What’s something we’re doing well that you want us to keep making time for?

Name the moment: “You remembered my interview and texted just before it.” That tells your partner exactly what mattered and gives them something they can do again.

Connection: when did we feel close or distant?

15. When we’re together, what most often pulls my attention away from you?
16. Is there something happening in your life that I haven’t really understood yet?
17. What would you like us to do together simply because we’d both enjoy it?

This question leaves room for something lighter: cooking a ridiculous recipe, playing pool, or getting out of the house together with no errands attached.

Friction: what keeps getting between us?

18. What small thing between us keeps bothering you after the moment has passed?
19. What do you wish I’d do differently when we disagree?
20. What have we agreed to change before that still hasn’t changed?

For the disagreement question, choose one recent moment. An answer such as “I wanted to finish explaining what upset me before you explained why you did it” gives you a specific place to start.

Affection: what kind of touch are you missing?

21. What kind of everyday touch have you been missing?
22. Can you enjoy kissing or cuddling without wondering whether I’ll expect sex?
23. When do you most want physical closeness, and when do you want some space?
24. What kind of flirting from me would you enjoy more?

“I’d love you to put your arm around me while we watch something, with cuddling being the whole plan” is a clear request.

For flirting, ask for an example. A suggestive message at lunch, a personal compliment, and being pulled into a proper kiss are different experiences. Find out which one your partner has been imagining.

How to make a relationship check-in easy to repeat

Start with an invitation that sounds like you:

“Want to pick a couple of these questions over coffee on Sunday? I’d like to hear how you’ve been feeling about us.”

Then keep the conversation manageable:

1. Share something you appreciated. Name a recent moment you’d like your partner to know mattered.
2. Choose a question you both want to answer. Ask a follow-up when you need a clearer picture: “What would that look like for you?”
3. Agree on one thing to try. Decide who will do what and when.
4. Choose when you’ll revisit it. At your next check-in, start with: “Did that help? What should we adjust?”

How often should you check in?

Psychotherapist Aldis Miglinieks suggests giving these conversations a clear structure. We’ve built that idea into Because Love Should Be an Action with monthly or quarterly “CEO meetings” for couples or families.

Use that time to talk about how life together is going and agree on what you’d like to work on before your next meeting.

When your partner’s answer is hard to hear

Choose one change and come back to it

Here’s how a check-in could play out.

You can keep the agreement in a shared note:

• What we’ll try:
• Who will take care of it:
• When it will happen:
• When we’ll check back:

A relationship game for the days between check-ins